i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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