Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
