Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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