did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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