YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
