Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
