I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
