There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Never underestimate the power of titties
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
