How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think people are normalizing furries
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
