I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
