found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
