Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
false alarm. still invincible.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
