Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
