remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
