Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
