Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
