did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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