grandma shit on top of the toilet
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
