i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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