The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
