Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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