I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
