I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
