just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
