It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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