Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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