I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
