Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
