So drunk its hurt
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i drank out of a bidet.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
