I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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