I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
