tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
