I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
