I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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