Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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