Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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