My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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