you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
