She is in my trunk
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
