I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
