I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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