on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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