If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
