I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
