i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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