Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
