Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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