I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
