Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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