also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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